Adrian Heath - Minnesota United - on the sidelines at MLS Is Back Tournament

My proposal to be Minnesota United coach Adrian Heath's personal Doubt Caddy | J. Sam Jones

EDITOR'S NOTE: Daily Kickoff runs seven days a week during the MLS is Back Tournament and it is authored by J. Sam Jones


I’d like to make a proposal to Minnesota United head coach Adrian Heath: For food and a small service fee, I’ll be your personal Doubt Caddy.

Whatever situation you come into during the day, I’ll follow close behind and let you know exactly why I think you won’t succeed. It’ll be just the right amount of doubt for each situation. I’ll assess the distance to the pin and hand you the right club, I promise. Give it a few days and you’ll be running through life like Tiger at Augusta.

Go to open a door: “With those arms?”

Make a hot pocket: “Oh, I guess we wanted to eat something frozen at the center today?”

Work on your novel: “I just don’t see how you’re going to have enough imagery to really paint the picture the reader needs to see to understand the protagonist’s motivations without them digging deep into the subtext.”

It will fuel you, Adrian. Every day you’ll be your best self. I won’t touch anything to do with soccer though. You have that side completely locked down. Even after a 4-1 win where your side ran rampant over fan-favorite San Jose, you still found time to call out the doubters.

“I’ve probably got more faith in this group than anybody else, certainly more than you press people everywhere else, who continually seem to think that we struggle to get through,” Heath said. “It'll be interesting to read the narrative tomorrow.

“Maybe I like them more than most because I work with them every single day. But I'm not the expert, you guys are the experts. I've only been doing it for 44 years.”

See, I don’t think it will be good to read the narrative. The narrative will be too positive. That’s not what we want here. So this one time I’ll touch the soccer side. Think of this as my newsletter resume. Here are six of the many, many reasons Minnesota United have no chance to win this tournament.

Hassani Dotson played too well last night coming in and playing right-back for the injured Romain Metanire. Dotson has to stop being talented and versatile sometime, I don’t see how that can last over two more games.

The team is extremely cohesive right now defensively. They keep working together to limit big chances and have only given up four goals in the last five games to teams with decent to good attacking talent. They’ll probably get bored with that soon.

They were too efficient last night, putting together 13 shots on target compared to San Jose’s four despite limited possession. You really think they can just go out there and again create quality scoring opportunities at key moments like they’ve been doing for the entire season?

Four different players scored for the Loons last night by the way. Robin Lod, Jacori Hayes, Luis Amarilla and Marlon Hairston all found the net. Everyone knows that if you have four scoring threats you really have none.

So what if they haven’t lost a single game in 2020, everyone knows the eighth game is the one where things normally come crashing down.

I’m hearing the media is writing newsletters about how Minnesota has no chance, that must be really damaging to the psychology of the team.
So there you go, Adrian. Call me. I want to be there after the final to tell you the trophy looks too heavy.

DAILY TOURNAMENT NEWS: Stay up on everything happening in Orlando: Sign Up for The Daily Kickoff to get all the big stories delivered to your inbox.

Series: 
Topics: 

Childhood cancer doesn’t stop for COVID-19

Share your message of hope to inspire their fight as part of childhood cancer awareness month. Learn how you can support