You probably didn't get to watch every MLS match this weekend. That's what we're here for. Here's what you missed, while you were doing who knows what.
"HEART OF A LION, BRAIN OF A GOLDFISH": That's how Portland Timbers captain Will Johnson characterized his side after a late, dramatic 3-3 draw with the Columbus Crew. A 34th minute red card to Alvas Powell (WATCH HERE) and a quick response third goal (WATCH HERE) by the Crew mere moments after the Timbers had tied the game at 2-2 was surely only the tip of the iceberg for Johnson.
We applaud your humor — as well as your seriously blunt nature — Mr. Johnson.
JON BUSCH'S "OOOHHH"-FACE: Obafemi Martins made sure the Seattle Sounders didn't miss the recently departed Clint Dempsey too much over the weekend when he scored the only goal of the game on an audacious chip over San Jose Earthquakes goalkeeper Jon Busch. The most memorable part of Martins' spectacular goal, though, was undoubtedly Busch's stunned, "did that just happen?" look afterwards.
After the match, Busch said, "I ain't even mad at you." Or basically the equivalent thereof.
WHEN THE CHIPS GO STALE: Dilly Duka had a golden opportunity on Sunday to not only put the Chicago Fire's 2-1 victory over Sporting Kansas City out of reach in the dying moments, but also pick up his first goal of the season and jumpstart an otherwise slow start to his season in the process.
What happened next will surely not feature in the final highlight tape of Duka's professional soccer career in 10 or so years when he retires.
"WE WANT FREE BEER": Things got a little rough for Philadelphia Union fans in attendance at PPL Park on Saturday when they saw their side, with 20 minutes still to play, go down 5-1 to the suddenly en fuego New England Revolution (WATCH HERE). The Union pulled back a coupe of late, consolation goals to reward their fans for sticking around, but the Sons of Ben & Co. wanted more.
They wanted so much more.
River End now chanting "we want free beer"— Kevin Kinkead (@KevinKCBS3) May 18, 2014
Really, though, Philly fans — who doesn't want free beer, ever?