For the first time ever, there will be MLS on Thanksgiving.

Never before has there been a chance like this for you to upset your older family members by turning off a game involving the Detroit Lions under the guise of switching to another sporting event and ambushing them with a sport they’ve denied the existence of for most of their life.

They may not realize it, but you’re doing them a favor. The Audi 2021 MLS Cup Playoff Western Conference Semifinal (4:30 pm ET | FOX, FOX Deportes) between the Colorado Rapids and the Portland Timbers is going to be awesome. And no one should be exposed too long to the Detroit Lions.

Colorado and Portland are obviously busy. But, as a fun little exercise I definitely didn’t run out of ideas on about midway through, here’s what everyone else is bringing to the MLS Thanksgiving table.

Running late

They’ll be there any second. They’re going to bring the most expensive dish possible. it’s going to be great as soon as it comes together. Any second now. Until then they’re just kind of sitting in the kitchen, drinking water and trying to figure out how to keep anyone from knowing they lost the instructions to the dish they made the first two seasons. Even if everyone else has already figured it out.

Definitely a cake

It’s definitely a cake. It looks like a cake. It sort of kind of tastes and feels like a cake. It’s...uh….look a few tweaks here and there and the next cake will be genuinely good. But this is their first try at bringing a dish and they were so enthusiastic about it that no one really has the heart to tell them.

A new look

They were the talk of the table a couple of years ago. Because, man, their choice of outfit was...interesting. Now they’ve come back and all everybody who greets them can talk about is how good they look. In part because they look much better on the outside and it’s a good way to avoid talking about how rough the rest of their year was.


Well, they looked for silverware and couldn’t find any at the store and then they spent a whole bunch of money to get some silverware, but it all came in broken and they really did try again this year but they looked around their brand new house and all they could find was a wooden spoon.

Photographs from last year’s dinner

They won’t stop showing pictures of last year. They won’t stop talking about last year. “This is fine, but do you remember how great last year’s dinner was?” They keep saying it. They just really, really want to talk about last year.

FC Dallas logo
FC Dallas

The kids table

Every. Year.

D.C. United logo
D.C. United


Is this even the same D.C. United? Last year they were so meek and quiet. This year they pulled up on a motorcycle doing a wheelie while slamming a combination of Mountain Dew, Monster and chocolate milk they call Mondew Milk. They keep excitedly offering you some. Well, they were anyway. They were actually really impressing everyone at first. They crashed pretty hard though and have now been asleep on the couch for the last couple of hours. Everyone loved the excitement and hopefully there’s even more next year.

Houston Dynamo FC logo
Houston Dynamo FC


I mean, I know things are bad but they wouldn’t……

They didn’t…….

It’s not that bad. Right?

I mean I’m not gonna ask, you ask.

House on fire cannot talk now

Four years ago, LAFC burst onto the scene with a fried turkey that completely blew the Galaxy’s regular turkey out of the water. 

That is not going as well lately. And it kind of seems like they might be losing a lot of stuff this time around.

Turkey frozen in the middle

They started out cooking the turkey at a temperature that was a little too hot, hard to sustain and was probably going to burn the turkey. So they turned that down a bit. Then even further. And then they kind of accidentally turned it off until it was too late.

Inter Miami CF logo
Inter Miami CF

Designated puddings

Last year they brought five puddings designated to be eaten on Thanksgiving, but that really felt like a lot at the time and they weren’t even all that good and were kind of outdated so this year they got a few designated puddings taken away and honestly it’s not clear if what they bring will hit the spot.

Minnesota United FC logo
Minnesota United FC

Sweet potato

It can be pretty good, but it kind of depends on if they got the good Bebelos – I mean marshmallows.

CF Montréal logo
CF Montréal

Their new significant other

Their last one was astoundingly hot, but this one seems to be way better for them.

Nashville SC logo
Nashville SC

Mac and cheese

Last year they brought a mac and cheese dish that clearly had all the ingredients and got the job done. Just a solid batch of mac and cheese. This year, ohymygod, did they add butter? Some kind of seasoning? Because this is a lot like last year, but somehow way better. There’s got to be a secret ingredient that could theoretically, like, if it were a soccer player, score 16 goals and dish out 12 assists in a season.

New England Revolution logo
New England Revolution

Big ole shiny plate

They have a big ole shiny plate. And everyone thinks it’s nice. But they like Columbus’ big ole shiny cup better, maybe New England should get one of those.

New York City FC logo
New York City FC

Hot dogs

They totally forgot to cook so they just grabbed something from home.

New York Red Bulls logo
New York Red Bulls

Their old recipe

They tried something slightly different the last couple of years before going back to the old recipe. I mean it still didn’t help them in the playoffs, but at least their dish looks more like it used to.

Orlando City SC logo
Orlando City SC

Publix sub

Has nothing to do with the team, it’s just the state food. And it’s delicious.

Philadelphia Union logo
Philadelphia Union

Doop in the old onion bag

No one knows what it is and at this point they're too afraid to ask. The Union seem well though.

Real Salt Lake logo
Real Salt Lake

Not invited

No shots taken.

Mashed potatoes

A legend. Consistent, steady, always ready to make an impact. It’s the last time they’re bringing it though. It’s finally time to move on to something else.

Seattle Sounders FC logo
Seattle Sounders FC


Host: “Oh wow, great, you brought scotch for all of us.”

Seattle: “For all of us?”

Sporting Kansas City logo
Sporting Kansas City

Dropped it 

They definitely didn’t get angry and slam it to the ground.

Toronto FC logo
Toronto FC

Will be back next year

Just working on themselves right now. Redecorating a bit. You know how it goes.

Vancouver Whitecaps FC logo
Vancouver Whitecaps FC

Your favorite relative’s cool spouse

His name is Vanni. And he rules. Jokes. Anecdotes. Remembers your name. Has nicknames for you anyway. Maybe a little too confident at times, but still awesome.