Upon opening Saturday's Dispatch and seeing that the Buckeyes were hosting the Ohio Bobcats and that the Crew were hosting the New England Revolution, any local sports fan could have guessed that the city of Columbus would be playing host to a nailbiter and a blowout on that gorgeous day. But only a wall-bouncing wacko could have correctly predicted which game would be which.
Just hours after the Buckeyes rallied in the 4th quarter to squeak past the mighty Bobcats, the Crew nuked New England, 4-0, in a game that was nowhere near as close as the score would indicate. The Crew outshot the Revs 27-4. Shots on goal were 14-1 in favor of Columbus. It was a game that felt like it could have been 5-0 or 6-0...before the Crew actually made it 1-0 in the 40th minute.
Both Crew coach Sigi Schmid and Revs coach Steve Nicol were quick to qualify the result by referencing the oppressive schedule that has seen the Revs play 11 matches in 39 days and 18 matches in 71 days. It is undeniable that the Revs were playing with leaden legs and burned-out brains.
However, as the Buckeyes showed earlier in the day, the advantage of physical superiority is meaningless if you don't take care of business. On Saturday night, the Crew showed up for work, punched the clock, and then punched the Revs in their gaping jaws. Over and over. For 90 minutes. It's what good teams do.
In the past, this is the type of game that the Crew teams of yesteryear would have found a way to squander. They'd play down to a wounded rival or buckle under the pressure of expectation. But once again, this Crew team has proven to be a different breed.
"I told the guys I wanted them to be nervous," said Schmid. "I wanted them to feel the weight of the big game. I wanted to see how they responded. They passed with flying colors."
Cue the Violins
I know most Crew fans are going to have little sympathy for the three-time defending Eastern Conference champions as they bemoan the ravages of the heavy MLS, U.S. Open, SuperLiga, and CONCACAF Champions League schedule that is the price of their success. And if I were dating Charlize Theron, I'm sure nobody would want to hear me complain about how little sleep I've been getting after the bedroom lights go out. But since Sigi went out of his way to comment on it, let's give Revs coach Steve Nicol his say.
"One thing we have to do is understand where we are," said Nicol. "When you can't run, you can't compete, and at the present time, we can't run. We can't close the ball, and when we do get it, we can't go past people. When you go to make challenges, you're a half-yard short. It's an impossible task. They played well - they closed us down real quick, made some chances - but as I said, if you can't run, you can't compete, and we can't compete at the present time."
Nicol said there was no way to compare this game to the Revs' first visit, which resulted in a 1-0 New England victory. "We can't run," he reiterated. "Last time we were here, we could get around the field. Today, we couldn't get around the field. When you travel 20,000 miles and play a game every three or four days for almost three months, it's an impossibility."
While the major clubs in Europe play a heavy schedule, Nicol said the wear and tear they face is negligible compared to what the Revs have endured. "It's a huge difference," he said. "They don't travel like that. They travel an hour and a half. They leave at 6:00 and get there at 7:30. We leave at 6:00 and get there at 3:00 in the afternoon. We have to deal with time zones, time differences, different countries...we were in three different countries in seven days last week. It's a unique situation that we find ourselves in."
Schmid was sympathetic, but also knew that business is business. "Let's understand that New England is a team, as Stevie mentioned, that has played a lot of games and has guys injured," he said. "They're a quality team. Our goal going into the game, our mantra for the last two days, was to make it a 90-minute game. Don't let New England off the hook. Don't let a tired team have a 45-minute game. We stuck to the gas pedal right from the start of the game.
"We were fortunate a bit that we got to play a tired team, but there's also a thing that when you go into a game like that that you're supposed to win, it can be difficult to accomplish. I was very proud of them because they came out and did the job."
Oh, and before we put the violins away, let's not forget that the Crew were playing without their leading goal scorer, Alejandro Moreno, and their energizing captain, Frankie Hejduk, both of whom were away on national team duty.
Guille Great Again
It seems that every week, Guillermo Barros Schelotto is setting some new mark or another. It's becoming a broken record of broken records. With a goal and two assists, Schelotto wormed his way into the record book two more times just a week after setting the Crew's single-season assist record. (We'll address his new records in the Mr. Numbers Nerd segments below.)
After hitting the crossbar and serving up several dangerous free kicks during the Crew's first half onslaught, Schelotto finally put the Crew on the board in the 40th minute when he scored his sixth goal of the season. After Robbie Rogers scorched down the left wing, he sent a low ball into the box. Steven Lenhart challenged Michael Parkhurst for the ball, which deflected off of Parkhurst and into the path of Schelotto. Guille buried his first run-of-play goal of the season when he one-timed the ball from, well, about a foot from the penalty spot.
In the 45th minute, Schelotto picked out the head of Andy Iro on a free kick, resulting in the Crew's second goal. In the 67th minute, his no-look, Magic Johnson, Showtime Lakers pass to Jason Garey created a 3-0 advantage for the Crew.
Schmid said three things have led to Schelotto's torrid play. "The first thing is just that Guillermo is playing very well," he said. "Every time our team gets a free kick, we think we can score. If you watch him before the game, he as a routine where he takes free kicks from different parts of the field. The second thing is that as a team, I think we do a better job of getting Guillermo the ball in better positions so that he doesn't have to come as deep or as wide to get the ball. And then the third thing is that you don't win that many championships without the ability to raise your game. So many times this season he has raised his game at crucial moments. Tonight was another example of that. He was in the moment."
Big Game For Big Andy
With Frankie Hejduk away with the U.S. National Team, Schmid had a decision to make with the Crew's backline. He ultimately decided to stick rookie Andy Iro in the middle, while sliding the Crew's Swiss Army knife, Danny O'Rourke, to right back.
"Andy played inside last week while Danny was suspended, and to be honest, our original thought was to put Danny back in the middle and play someone else at outside back," said Schmid. "But because of the way Andy played last week and trained this week, we rewarded him. Competition brings out the best in everyone. He wants to stay on the field, and his focus and his concentration has been good in the past few weeks."
Iro's biggest challenge, of course, was trying to contain the Revs' lethal striker, Taylor Twellman. "I'd never played against him before," said Iro. "I had seen him play before, but within the first 10 minutes, I could instantly tell how sharp he was. His movement is so quick, so it required some extra concentration. But honestly, it was easier for me to defend him because there was no service coming in. We put so much pressure on their service. This was the best team defensive game I have seen us play."
But the big fella's contributions were not limited to the defensive end of the field. The man affectionately known as "Generation Iro" generated some offense of his own, heading home a Schelotto free kick moments before the halftime whistle.
"I saw the ball coming in...and it's been a bit of a team joke about my heading...but I was able to judge it early enough and accurately enough to know it was going to go over Chad's head," G.I. explained. "I backed up, and luckily I didn't back up to the point that I was jumping backwards, but I back up to where I could move forward. Good ball, good finish."
The finish had to make up for some the disappointment of being robbed moments earlier, when Iro's 43rd minute shot was cleared off the goal line. That shot was a product of Iro's soon to be patented knee-ball.
"It was pure instinct and reaction," he laughed. "I used to be a forward, but people don't believe me. It was too high to kick and too low for a header, so I just said 'whatever' and lifted my knee."
Scary Garey
Boy, Jason Garey is nothing if not efficient. In just 85 minutes all season, Garey has taken seven shots. Five of those seven have been on goal, and three of them have gone in.
Upon entering Saturday's game in the 66th minute, Garey's first act was to make an offside run. He doubled back to get onside again, and then made another run that was rewarded with a pass. His first touch was to chest down a pass from Schelotto. His second touch was to hammer a left-footed shot past Matt Reis to put the game away at 3-0.
"When I came onto the field, Guillermo waved me over," said Garey. "He said, 'You come here. When I get ball, you go.' So he got the ball and I went. The very first ball was a goal, so I was like, 'All right, I'll keep doing it!'"
As a forward, Garey appreciates how special it is to play with a visionary like Schelotto. "You think he doesn't know you're there, but he knows," Garey explained. "He's not even looking in my direction, but I know that if I make the run, he'll get the ball there. I'm making blind runs all the time. He will find you. That's the key - just make the runs and he will find you. And with Pat Noonan it's the same thing. Nobody thought he was going to play that ball through, but I knew if I made a run, those guys are so good at playing the ball through that it worked, so it was good."
Yes, in the 90th minute, Garey ran on to a beautiful through ball from Pat Noonan and finished the breakaway to make it 4-0. Not a bad night's work.
The Unsung Heroes
Players and coaches went out of their way to praise the midfield tandem of Brian Carroll and Brad Evans, whose contributions toward shutting down New England's superb midfielder, Shalrie Joseph, will not show up on the scoresheet. Well, except for the New England goose egg.
"Carroll and Evans did a great job on Shalrie," said Schmid. "It is tough to restrict Shalrie's touches, but they restricted the ability of Shalrie to play balls forward. They forced him to play sideways and back more than he wanted to play sideways and back."
"BC and Evans were great," added Garey. "They didn't give New England a chance to play their game. They were all over them."
"That zero is the most important thing," said Danny O'Rourke of the shutout. "Chad and Andy held down the middle, and I think Gino and I did well on the outside. And then Will is our leader back there. But I can't say enough about Brian and Brad controlling the midfield in front of us."
Run Robbie Run
Another guy whose name will not show up on the scoresheet is Robbie Rogers. It would be criminal to overlook the havoc caused by his relentless runs. The exhausted Revs had no answer as Rogers took on double and triple teams, serving dangerous balls and winning several deep restarts for Schelotto.
"I thought Robbie was the best he's been since he came back from the Olympics," said Schmid. "I thought he was aggressive in getting behind people. Albright is not a slow defender, and I think Robbie did a good job getting behind him."
In the opening moments of the second half, Rogers' head was on the receiving end of a high kick from Shalrie Joseph. After the game, Rogers was seen walking around the locker room with an ice bag held to his head. When he removed the ice bag, one could clearly see a big horn growing out of his right temple, as if he were the offspring born of two unicorn cousins.
(Thankfully, when the Crew contemplated bringing me back to the organization this year, the ability to craft unicorn similes was NOT part of the interview process.)
Lenhart's Bike
Steven Lenhart brought the crowd out of their seats in the 7th minute when smacked a bicycle kick that forced a last-second tip save from New England goalkeeper Matt Reis.
"The ball went up over my head, and I'm not a bicycle kick specialist, but I just went for it," he said. "I didn't think I could do that, to be honest with you. It almost worked."
Sigi seemed as baffled as anyone by the sight of Lenhart striking the ball while fro-side down. The coach made a special trip to the rookie's locker to ask if Lenhart left the kickstand down while attempting that bike.
"I think so," said Lenhart. "I had no idea what I was doing. I just did it."
Lenhart's Surpise Visitors
After receiving word that he would be starting against New England, Lenhart called to tell his family. Little did he know what that would mean.
"My mom and sister flew out last minute to surprise me," said Lenhart. "They left this morning to come here. It's awesome."
Across the room, Generation Iro's eyes lit up. "They bought plane tickets this morning? I wish my family was as rich as yours! Do you know how much it would cost to fly across the country at the last minute like that?"
"No idea," said Lenhart. "They probably took the family jet."
Lenhart was quick to add that he was only joking about the private plane. Besides, I think it's an unofficial team rule that all jokes about mythical family jets are supposed to be directed at "Country Club Willie" Hesmer.
Atmosphere
The size and exuberance of the crowd had Dante Washington reminiscing about the The Good Ol' Days on the radio, and it made an exciting game even more exciting for everyone involved.
"The crowd was amazing," said Crew goalkeeper William Hesmer. "It was electric. They are in tune with the game, and they were loud. Like we've said all year, this crowd has definitely played a huge role in our success this season. They've really taken on that corner and made it their own and made a good statement to other teams in the league that Columbus is going to be a tough place to come in and play, and we're proud of that."
"When we walked out and saw all those people in the upper deck, it was tremendous," said Schmid. "Our section in the corner was superb. We could feel that all night. You want to feel those nervous butterflies, but you aren't actually nervous. When there's a big game, it brings a smile to my face. I get excited. This is why I coach. And as a player, this has to be why you play."
Mr. Numbers Nerd: Guille Edition (Part one)
Schelotto has now strung together four consecutive multi-assist games. That ties the MLS record, originally set by Marco Etcheverry in the league's inaugural 1996 campaign.
Here's a look at the two streaks...
MARCO ETCHEVERRY
8/7/96: 2 assists in a 3-1 win at Tampa Bay.
8/10/96: 2 assists in a 3-2 loss at Columbus.
8/18/96: 2 assists in a 2-1 win vs. Los Angeles.
8/25/96: 2 assists in a 3-0 win vs. Tampa Bay.
GUILLERMO BARROS SCHELOTTO
8/16/08: 2 assists in a 2-1 win vs. Dallas.
8/23/08: 1 goal and 2 assists in a 3-0 vs. Salt Lake.
8/30/08: 2 assists in a 2-1 win at Dallas.
9/6/08: 1 goal and 2 assists in a 4-0 win vs. New England.
The totals are 0 goals, 8 assists, and a 3-1-0 record for El Diablo, compared to 2 goals, 8 assists, and a 4-0-0 record for Guille. I think it's safe to say that Guille wins the tiebreaker on the strength of those two additional goals and an additional victory. Of course, he could negate all debate with a fifth consecutive multi-assist game this weekend in Toronto against the Hosers.
Mr. Numbers Nerd: Guille Edition (Part two)
After Schelotto was subbed out of the game, Pat Noonan and Jason Garey rudely combined on a goal without Guille's participation. It snapped a streak whereby Schelotto had participated in 10 consecutive Crew tallies either by scoring or assisting each goal. That has to be some sort of record, right?
Indeed it is. By participating in 10 consecutive tallies over the last four games, Schelotto broke Jeff Cunningham's Crew record of participating in nine consecutive Crew goals. Cunningham accomplished the feat by scoring 6 goals and dishing 3 assists in an eight-game stretch from May 9 to June 26 of the 1999 campaign.
(Cunningham's streak was snuffed out when Ansil Elcock scored an unassisted goal in the 37th minute against San Jose on June 30, 1999. That game is most notable for Stern John's amazing blast past Joe Cannon with three seconds to play, forcing a shootout that was won by the Crew.)
Guille's streak, while impressive, fell short of the league record. The single-season record for consecutive goal participation is 12, set by San Jose's Ronald Cerritos in 1998. From Aug. 9 to Sept. 20 of that year, Cerritos strung together 5 goals and 7 assists in nine games. His streak was snapped at Spartan Stadium on Sept. 27, when Braden Cloutier scored on assists from Francisco Uribe and Victor Mella in the Clash's 2-0 win over the Wizards.
While Cerritos holds the single-season record, Landon Donovan holds the overall record by participating in 13 consecutive Galaxy goals from Oct. 7, 2007, carrying over through April 26, 2008. In nine games, Donovan racked up 8 goals and 5 assists. He had a string of 1 goal and 4 assists in the final four games of 2007, then a string of 7 goals and 1 assist in the first five games of 2008. His steak was snapped in the middle of the Galaxy's 5-2 pasting of Chivas USA, when Alan Gordon scored an unassisted goal for Los Angeles.
For good measure, Donovan scored another goal a minute later, added another assist that night, and then assisted on the first goal in the Galaxy's next game, putting him on a 16-out-of-17 run. (You know, in case Guille needs something else to aim for in the next couple of games.)
Mr. Numbers Nerd: Weird Happenings Edition
Crew radio man Neil Sika noticed something peculiar about the Crew's performance this season-the Crew have garnered at least one point in every league match in which they have so much as tallied a goal. For the 2008 Crew, the equation has been simple:
At least one goal = At lease one point
The Crew are 13-0-3 when erasing the goose egg from their side of the scoreboard. Neil thought that was a bit peculiar...and boy was he right.
Not only do the Crew have a shot to become the only team in MLS history to garner at least a point in every game in which they have scored a goal, they have room for error in terms of setting this peculiar league mark. The 2005 New England Revolution lost only two matches in which they erased their goose egg, and that is the current record. The Revs scored and lost on August 6, 2005, in a 2-1 loss vs. Kansas City, and then improbably scored four goals and lost, 5-4, at New York on September 17, 2005.
The 2008 Crew have already established a new calendar record in terms of converting goals to points. The previous record belonged to the 2002 Dallas Burn, who lost for the first time when scoring a goal on August 21 of that year, dropping a 3-1 decision at San Jose.
(In case you're wondering about the shootout era, no team topped either of these marks even if one counts shootout losses as draws.)
Revolting
The Revs are a good team, but when they lose, they LOSE. Saturday's match was the third time this year in league play that the Revs have dropped a 4-0 decision on the road. They also lost 4-0 at Chicago on April 3 and at San Jose on Aug. 16. They've also suffered a 3-0 home loss to the Fire in league play on May 3, and an embarrassing 4-0 home shellacking from Joe Public (Trinidad & Tobago) during CONCACAF Champions League play last Tuesday.
Massive Ideas
* In the spirit of the in-stadium displays that are common when a slugger is approaching a home-run milestone, Dante Washington thinks that the Crew Stadium stage should host a pair of big numbers counting up Schelotto's assists, with a ceremonial in-game update every time he adds another one to his tally.
"And they better make sure they have a '2' all ready to go for that first digit," he noted.
* On the drive home, it occurred to me that Crew goalkeeper William Hesmer probably felt like the kid who got stuck playing right field in tee-ball. I wondered if Hesmer passed the time Saturday night with a rousing rendition of "99 Bottles of Imported Brew on the Wall." When I talked to them, I should have asked Danny O or Generation Iro if they overheard any such thing during the rare instances in which they had to venture near their own penalty area.
* Crew fans seem to be in a tizzy that Dispatch columnist Michael Arace insists on calling the Crew the Canaries. He started with the Fighting Canaries, but after getting wise to the fact that the Crew are a massive club, he recently made the switch to the Massive Canaries.
While an improvement, this has still evidently caused some consternation amongst supporters. I think this is because Crew fans long ago adopted the banana as the yellow comparison object of choice. After all, the Crew's immediately identifiable uniforms have been famously referred to as "the banana kit" ever since they belatedly debuted in 2000.
Arace is a gifted writer, and he has produced some outstanding pieces about the Crew, so it's a shame that this canary issue seems to be overshadowing his excellent work. Since Crew fans are still resisting the canary comparisons, and since Arace clearly likes using a nickname for the Crew, there is only one practical solution:
The Massive Bananas.
That, my friends, is a nickname you can boast about. So let's give it a try. It will now be the Notebook's Official Crew Nickname. Sure, I might have to nix or rewrite a few sentences, such as one I originally wrote about the Crew sticking it to the Revolution's exhausted players for 90 solid minutes, but it's no bother.
U.S. Open Cupdate
The Charleston Battery, who were the Official Notebook U.S. Open Cup Bandwagon Team of Destiny, saw their championship dreams end with a 2-1 loss to D.C. United in the final. It was a shame too, as the Battery controlled large portions of the match and were a bit unlucky. Not only did the ball work some fortuitous magic on both D.C. goals, but the Battery were denied by a post and had a spectacular volley by Lazo Alavanja whistle just wide in the final minutes. And then they had a stoppage time equalizer wiped out by a questionable offside call.
"I think we are all still a bit disappointed," said former Crew man Nelson Akwari, who has been kind enough to offer his thoughts throughout the tournament in order to help us bandwagon Battery fans. "To get that far and to fall short is tough. D.C. United did well to finish off the chances they created, but I can't help but think that we could have done a better job defensively to not give up those opportunities. I still haven't seen the full game, but I've seen some highlights. I did hear about the offside call, and I guess a lot of friends and family are saying what a lot of people have said...it was a close call.
"I was proud to see our team respond positively after going down a goal, and it was awesome to see our fans in black and gold cheering us on throughout the game," he continued. "Our organization is first class and it truly was an honor to represent them in the U.S. Open Cup Final. Thank you to the Crew fans that cheered us on throughout our run. I know you would have loved to see D.C. go down in the final. Congrats to you all on being in first place in the league, and I wish the Crew the best of luck the rest of the way."
Nice guy, that Nelson Akwari. Here's hoping the Battery follow the Cleveland City Stars' blueprint, whereby they lose in the Open Cup to a Crew rival, then go on to win their league. I'll keep the Notebook Bandwagon on standby for the USL-1 playoffs.
Help Name Duncan's Pub!
A few weeks ago, Shawn Mitchell's "Covering the Crew" blog on Dispatch.com unearthed another interesting nugget. It seems that when his playing days are over, whenever that might be, Duncan Oughton hopes to open his own pub in Columbus. This pub may not exist for years, but the prospect has nevertheless excited the beer-drinking subsection of the Crew's fan base.
As we know, Duncan is currently living the life of a jet-setting international footballer. Between his worldwide commitments to club and country, one can't expect Oughton to devote time to the minor tasks associated with planning a future business.
Being the helpful sort, that's where I come in. Or more specifically, my newly-formed company, Sirk Marketing Research, Inc. My goal is to develop a surefire name for Duncan's future pub.
Alas, I will not be naming the pub. That would not be fair to Duncan. Rather, Sirk Marketing Research, Inc., will oversee a rigorous test marketing and focus group campaign to ensure that the very best name is chosen for Duncan's pub.
The first phase was to solicit ideas. For this purpose, I consulted with the Dante-Dunny Think Tank Foundation, a group dedicated to brainstorming brilliant New Zealand-themed ideas. However, in the interest of getting the best names possible, I did not put all my eggs in one basket. I also consulted with "green light thinkers" from within the Crew locker room. As a result of these various consultations, I am compiling an alphabetical list of potential names for Duncan's pub.
Phase two will be a two-pronged approach. Based on the list of potential names, I will then poll future potential customers-you, the fans. (Instructions are below.) That's the first prong. The second prong will be a media vote because, let's face it, media people know a lot more than everyone else, and if it's simply left up to the fans, you end up with a situation whereby Guillermo Barros Schelotto is not an MLS All-Star. But if you let the media's unbiased, rational, and superior judgment into process, Guillermo Barros Schelotto is still not an MLS All-Star. So, um, I guess the name of this pub will not be "Guillermo Barros Schelotto."
(NOTE: Crew PR guru Dave Stephany, who has an incurable fact fetish, made a point to let me know that Guille finished fourth in both the fan and media voting, which would have made him an All-Star. It was his appallingly sparse vote totals amongst players and coaches/GMs that prevented him from being voted into the All-Star First XI. Now that this information has come to light, I will not be retracting my joke, but instead will proudly point out that at least I'm not letting coaches/GMs vote.)
Once I have combined the fan and media votes, I will submit the five finalists to Tucker Walther, head of the Walther Polling Institute. The WPI will canvas those within the clubhouse to determine the final name. (I still feel good about this, despite Dave's facts. Since players are not allowed to vote for their teammates, the Crew's players were not the problem with the All-Star voting. It was all the clowns on those other stupid teams.) Once the voting has concluded, all results will be verified by the accounting firm of Paco, Mathews, & Associates, and then forwarded to me.
Once this exhaustive, multi-faceted process is completed, we can all be sure that Duncan's future pub will have a name that is guaranteed to stand the test of time. The winning name will be published in the next Notebook.
Let's all do our part to make life easier for our favorite Kiwi entrepreneur!
Fan Voting Process
The list of potential names is published on the Crew's official blog, The Black & Gold Standard, either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. To vote, simply register and leave your vote as a comment in the comments section. Your vote must be time-stamped by 5 p.m. on Sunday, Sept. 14, 2008.
Reactions to Duncan's Pub Idea
The news that Duncan hopes to open a pub someday in the future elicited a full spectrum of emotions. On one end, you had people like Dante Washington, who gleefully noted, "It's good to know that I will always have a place where I can eat and drink for free."
Other folks, however, were turned off by Duncan's comment to Mitchell that he envisions his pub being "something with a little more of an English feel, a proper pub." It seems that this comment did not go ever well with the locker room's Scottish demographic, which probably fears that the jukebox will be lacking in bagpipe selections.
"Yeah, well maybe he should just call it 'Duncan's English-Feel Proper Pub'," said Adam Moffat. "I hope Duncan will sell crumpets and tea in his English pub."
Metric Conversion
During the radio broadcast, Dante Washington kept making a mess of Andy Iro's height. At first, Dante kept calling him 6'4", which is the height of Iro's shrimpier partner in the central defense, Chad Marshall.
Dante happened to walk into the locker room as we were talking to Iro, and here's how it went down between me, Iro, and Craig Merz.
SS: Do you care to tell Dante how tall you really are? He kept getting it wrong on the radio.
AI: How tall did he say I was?
SS: He started at six-four, but I heard as high as seven-ten.
AI: I'm six-five. Six-five. (Turns to Dante.) I'm six-five, dawg!
CM: What's that in metric?
AI: Uh, in metric? I think it's like one meter and...97 centimeters.
So close! Rounded up to the nearest centimeter, 6'5" is 1.96 meters. Then again, there could be rounding on the inches, so maybe Andy is really 1.97 meters if we measured directly in metric.
Either way, be sure to tune in next week when Craig asks Andy to convert his weight into stones!
Beardo-Weirdos
You may have noticed a few strange pieces of facial hair amongst the team's staff. A week ago, I suspected that there may be some sort of beard contest going on, and it turns out I was right. From what I understand, there are only a handful of participants. Danny O'Rourke has obviously grown a beard, but he's sticking with a normal person's beard, so he may have just grown that on his own.
The contest was the brainchild of assistant trainer Skylar "Paco" Richards, according to Moffat, who had all sorts of crazy angles carved into his facial hair. "Paco came up with four categories: thickest, sickest, best design, and most air time," Moffat explained. "Kenny Schoeni has led the way in the thickest. I think he may have glued some head hair on there, though. I'm hoping for victory in the sickest and best design categories, but there is some competition as you saw from Jason and Skylar on Saturday."
Paco had some massive dagger muttonchop sideburns, and head trainer Jason Mathews was showing off a crazy mess that he referred to as "The John Quincy Adams."
Moffat knows that there is one category he has no shot to win. "Most air time looks to be going to Jason after Robbie took that kick to the head. There was a brief television appearance which heavily boosted his beard's air time. I was hoping to do a Phelps and take gold in all categories, but my lack of playing time means no TV or interview time, so the 'most air time' category is one I have no chance in. But when I'm not rehabbing my knee, I'm thinking of sick designs for my facial hair. It's fun."
The saddest part of this very small competition is that strength and conditioning coach Steve Tashjian had the "sickest" and "best design" categories all wrapped up. Paco showed me a cell phone video in which Tashjian had a Mr. T mohawk that split and looped around to form a pair of chin straps that ran along his jawline before jumping up over his mouth to form a moustache. Alas, Tashjian was disqualified because he shaved it all off after it was documented.
Although the disqualification gave Moffat a new lease on life in the competition, even he was blown away. "How awesome was Steve Tashjian's?" he asked. "I couldn't believe it!"
Yellow Card Danger
Crew fan Andrew Goodrich has noticed something amusing about the official game previews for each Crew game. Despite being out for the year with torn-up knee, Moffat is continually listed on the yellow card danger list. It seems that with two more cautions this season, Moffat will be suspended for a game.
The Scot says that people needn't worry, as he is all about fair play these days. "I have been on my best behavior up in the stands when I watch the games," he said. "I have tried not to trip anyone when in the line for food at halftime, so if I keep it clean, I'm sure I will avoid the suspension. I really don't want to get the five yellows because if I were forced to sit out a game, I would be distraught."
Trust me, Moffat. Watching your teammates play is anything but distressing.
(Although after Saturday's Massive Banana attack, the Revs might beg to differ.)
Steve Sirk is a contributor to TheCrew.com. This story was not subject to the approval of Major League Soccer or its clubs. Questions? Comments? Like Dwight's new Elvis Costello glasses? Feel free to write at sirk65@yahoo.com.
