NYC stand-up comedian and The Cooligans co-host Alexis Guerreros brings you the 10 things on the North American soccer scene that most entertained him over the last week:
10. Actually, My Great Great Great Grandfather came from [insert name of World Cup winning country]
While the USMNT and its fans had a rough week, that doesn’t mean you have to ignore the World Cup. I’m half-Uruguayan, so that is who I will now root for. You know I'm not lying either 'cause if I was lying I would’ve said Brazil.
But if you have no clue about your heritage, the folks at Ancestry.com put together an incredibly timely marketing piece to help you find your second team. Personally, I would tell you to save your money and just root for Iceland! They seem mad fun and if they win the parties are gonna be INSANE.
9. What if I told you, the US is going to the World Cup?
While you were sad that the men’s team didn’t qualify, you forgot the women’s team is going to the World Cup! Just convince your boss that you want the same days off for 2019 instead of 2018 (and probably more considering the women’s team is REALLY good).
Think of all the money you’ll save going to France instead of Russia! The food alone makes it worthwhile unless you really had your heart set on 4 weeks of borscht.
8. Josef doesn’t care about your Snapchat
Josef Martinez couldn’t be bothered with teammate Leandro Gonzalez-Pirez or his snapchat. Josef seems more intrigued with the image of himself eating that lollipop than anything else. He’s in a trance! Josef ain’t got no time for your vlogging.
Frankly, it's a bit rude to interrupt a man and his sweet sweet lollipop. If you’re wondering, yes, I went out and got a lollipop immediately after seeing this. I needed something to kill the taste of that borscht I ordered.
7. It’s not all goals and lollipops for Josef at RBNY
Josef Martinez had a pretty good game in the 0-0 draw with the Red Bulls. But I think he may have hinted a little bit that he wasn’t happy with his play or being subbed off in the 77th minute. Now you may have to watch this one closely to notice, but see if you can spot what I’m talking about.
Josef reacted the same way I did when my wife woke me up on Sunday morning to tell me we had to go to her parents' house. She was very confused where all the shin guard tape came from.
6. Josh Gatt is a Ginuwine-ly good dancer
Josh is not just a speedy winger, though you’d sometimes think he was on a pony.
Josh’s goal celebration is also very impressive. I’ve seen people slap, punch, and sing into the corner flag, but not Josh. No no, Josh decided to ride that bad boy into the sunset. I tip my hat to you Mr. Gatt for proving that dance isn’t just for drunk uncles at weddings anymore.
I hope this becomes the new dab.
5. Wait, what's a gait?
Gonzalo Veron came into the Red Bulls' match against Atlanta and tried to impress. But soccer journalist Graham Parker was impressed with something other than his game.
Yes, of course, I had to google whatever a zoetrope is, I’m not well versed in Victorian kids toys. I must’ve missed that day of Useless History 101 class. Forty minutes into a YouTube zoetrope rabbit hole, I still have no clue what it is. At first, I thought it was some weird dance popular in the UK where you mimic a galloping horse.
4. Defenders always think they can play forward
If you’re looking for an unstoppable forward for your FIFA 18 FUT squad, look no further than Josh Williams, the Crew SC defender.
Are you as confused by that statement as I am with a Rubik's cube? Watch this video Crew SC released of Josh and Justin Meram playing each FIFA 18. Either Meram isn’t very good at the game or Gregg Berhalter has the next Henry in his backline. Josh also gets extra points for hitting Meram with a “skrt skrt” as he flexed on his midfield and continuously calling himself “the kid”. Coach, give ‘the kid’ a shot up top!
Sometimes a great clap-back is just a great reference or call-back. The timing and circumstances have to be correct. Matt Doyle, who you may know as the MLS Analyst did just that. Referencing the Jermaine Jones video from this weekend, he perfectly placed this reference into the Upper 90 from miles away.
Mr. Doyle, you’ve earned yourself a 👏👏👏👏👏/5 on the Official Clap-back Scale™️. If you don’t get the reference, you should probably follow Jermaine Jones on Instagram.
2. RSL don’t forget a damn thing
You might remember that FC Dallas were guilty of a roster violation a few weeks ago. They listed Michael Barrios who was removed for Tesho Akindele less than 60 min before the match and thus was ineligible to play, but was still subbed on during the game.
RSL decided to exploit this with their starting lineup artwork to devastating effect. This is savagery of a whole new level. This direct hit is a 💯 / 💯 on the Official Savage Meter™️
1. RSL OMG OMG
OH NO, THEY DIDN’T… OH. NO. THEY. DID. NOT. RSL may have broken the Official Savage Meter™️! If this was a game of Battleship RSL would have to buy you a new board game and a new table, and probably never be invited back.
This is un-clap-back-able. FC Dallas needs to call Meek Mill for advice how to proceed after this. 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥/5 on the Official Savage Meter™️ as this wasn’t a clap-back because FC Dallas did NOTHING to Salt Lake to deserve this thrashing. I love it.
What did you see this week that made you laugh? What did I miss? Hit me with it in the comments or tweet at me @SoccerCooligans with #FunniestMLS and we’ll include the best ones next week.
Alexis Guerreros is a stand-up comedian based in New York City and a co-host of The Cooligans. He also supports New York City FC.