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It’s the most “buying things” time of the year. And if you’re about buying things, you might as well afford some soccer things. Trust me when I say that they’ll at least be better than a gift card. No one has ever appreciated a gift card. It’s either “soccer thing” or “money” or nothing.

And there's no better place to secure those "soccer things" than on mlsstore.com, where you can get all those things for less with special promotions throughout Thanksgiving, Black Friday and Cyber Monday.

Just a reminder that, for these gift guides, we like to use phrases like “your friend” and “family” and “loved ones” when we all know darn well you’re actually looking for yourself. If you’re looking to go an extra step with that, you can always try and give it to your least soccer-loving friend and then say you’ll return it for them when they try and give it back. You won’t have a friend anymore, but you will have a sweet Portland Timbers clock.

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Your friend has always pretended to be good at sports. Now, with your help, they can look like they pretend to be good at sports too.

Let them be true to themselves. Let them be true to their team. Let them make everyone think: There’s someone who can really get in there and pretend to get the job done.

The best news is, they’ll look good while doing it. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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OK, let’s be real here. The single best way to convince someone that your loved one is on the team is by wearing the training gear. Have you ever seen an athlete out living their life wearing the jersey of the team they play for? No. But you go to the grocery store, turn the corner and see someone just wearing NYCFC branded joggers and you think “Oh man, this is someone with access to team merch. This is someone important within the framework of the team I dedicate large chunks of my year to. And they look phenomenal trying to read the nutritional information on the back of that box of pasta.” Shop now on mlsstore.com

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Did you know that some people can’t wear hats? Not for, like, medical reasons although I guess that’s true for some people. But for “their head is too narrow and even a beanie makes them look like Toad from Mario” reasons. And sometimes people make fun of them for wearing hats in middle school and Madison Janikowkski laughs at you and your hat and you can’t ever wear a hat ever again because of the trauma you had repressed up until you were asked to do a holiday gift guide. That happens to people, ya know?

So maybe you should celebrate your loved one being able to wear hats. For those that can’t. Whoever those people are. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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Shirts. Sweatshirts. Other clothes. I bet you wear these things. I bet you know someone who does too. Gonna be honest, this feels like an easy sell here for me. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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Do you play games but wish you were thinking about soccer while playing those games?

VANCOUVER WHITECAPS CORNHOLE BOARD.

Do you forget your name, your keys and your favorite soccer team?

BOOM: GIANT CUSTOMIZABLE PHILADELPHIA UNION KEY RING HOLDER 

Everything you’ve ever wanted for every situation. All right here.  Shop now on mlsstore.com

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The most football of all the soccer items: The scarf.

You want to let everyone know that your friend not only knows what a false 9 is, but has some impending research to turn into a paper on the benefits of a false 5 while going against a 3-4-2-1 formation to help combat overloads in the half-spaces.  

Or their neck is cold. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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Your friends’ pets are going to knock these ornaments off the tree. Give them the joy of knocking the ornament of their favorite team off the tree. Or maybe give your friends the joy of watching their pet knock the ornament of their least favorite team off the tree. Either way, gonna level with y’all, probably getting knocked off the tree.

The good news is, there are plenty of other holiday items that may have a longer shelf life. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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Is it going to cure their separation anxiety? No. Will they stop waking you up at 5 am because they’re bored? No. Are they going to look like a pet thinking they’re people and wearing a soccer jersey and will that be pretty cute and make the other things worth it? Almost definitely. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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Stop faking Jan Gregus’ signature each holiday season and actually get Jan Gregus’ signature. Seriously. The last one was in pencil on a napkin and you can just google “Jan Gregus” signature to verify these kinds of things these days. No one believed you. Nor did they believe your clearly photoshopped picture of you and Jan together in Aruba. Shop now on mlsstore.com

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I don’t even have a bit. These are just phenomenal. Sammy Sounder? On a purple and teal zip-up? San Jose Clash merch? Trogdor the Horseinator on a Dallas Burn shirt??? I love everything about this and want 30 of each.

Please ... please buy me 30 of each. Shop now on mlsstore.com