NYC stand-up comedian and The Cooligans co-host Alexis Guerreros brings you the things on the North American soccer scene that most entertained him over the last week:
The 2017 MLS season has officially wrapped up with the crowning of Toronto FC as champion. The game was exciting and fun to watch for everyone except Seattle, Montreal, and Vancouver fans. And while the season ends, the banter continues!
Don’t let go, Jozy. Don’t let go.
Jozy Altidore has had an up-and-down year between club and country, but knocking home the winning goal of the MLS Cup final must be the peak of the up part.
As if the moment wasn’t beautiful enough, one @AustonGoatthews added the Titanic music to it. Woah, that Celine Dion singing who is…. CANADIAN! It’s too meta!
Bradley ain't tryna hear it
If you still have critiques of Jozy Altidore or Michael Bradley, now is not the time. They just won the MLS Cup! Let them have this.
Imagine you won something and immediately after someone was like “yeah but you couldn’t win that thing a few weeks ago.” Even if the people around you agreed with you, they’d all be like “who’s mans is this?” cause they’re not trying to co-sign your bad timing.
Chill, let the guys have their moment. TFC agrees with me:
Dont @ Us. pic.twitter.com/0zAAPO2dk1— Toronto FC (@torontofc) December 10, 2017
“The Mayor said I could though”
This is how much winning MLS Cup meant for Toronto: Toronto mayor John Tory came in clutch and gave everyone the day off.
I’m not sure if every profession would accept his note:
Jozy seems to be enjoying himself
It was Jozy's day and judging by this speech, he clearly enjoyed it. Question is: Did he enjoy it as much when they played it back the next morning?
Sitting patiently waiting for this day
Exactly how long is too long to hold onto a seat cushion? I ask for this one person spotted at the TFC parade.
Nothing shows your commitment to your club like a fan who was not just there since Day One, but also kept a memento from those early days. This person sat through a 35-point season, with proof.
Salute to them and their commitment. Boy, I hope that thing has been cleaned since then.
Even the library got bits
When was the last time you even remembered libraries existed? Well, they do… right? Maybe, I’m not going to check.
We at least know one does in Toronto cause they dropped a pun on us and in the form of a poem, no less! What a way to congratulate TFC’s win.
Also, let's be honest, they deserve props for not going with the much easier “roses are red…” poem. It’s right there and they still went top shelf.
Even bitter rivals must applaud
Montreal took the high road and congratulated TFC, their biggest rival, on their big win. I read this tweet like 10 times wondering if I missed something.
Maybe there's a code? Maybe it spells something disrespectful in French? Maybe the way they phrased it? Maybe they got hacked! Nope. They legit sent an actual congratulatory tweet. Congrats to them.
Meanwhile, in Vancouver…
Vancouver was like “fine, I’ll go, but I’m not going to have a good time.” They probably called Montreal after their tweet happened and were like “I’m not congratulating them!”
It’s got to hurt, but this little bit of saltiness sets up a great 2018 season. Vancouver have everything they need: a chip on their shoulder and a new goal scorer in Kei Kamara who fills a hole in the lineup. I can’t wait to see what happens next.
It’s not all TFC
So 2017 is in the books and now begins the planning for 2018 and the first season for LAFC.
Thus far their roster is still a bit light, but one of their newest additions is defender Walker Zimmerman, a young prospect who was a starter for FC Dallas.
How excited was he to join LAFC? He posted a hat tekkers video. I tried this myself and almost took down a light fixture. I’m not kidding.
Ok, it’s mostly about TFC
What the heck, they’re the greatest team in MLS history.
They amassed 69 points. They won the Canadian Championship. They won the Supporters' Shield. They won the MLS Cup.
They even have the dopest locker room celebration photo/GIF/video. I don’t know what it is, but I want one of myself holding a chicken parm sandwich and a beer while my wife stares angrily at her salad and kombucha.
Keep partying until the first day of training!
What did you see this week that made you laugh? What did I miss? Hit me with it in the comments or tweet at me @SoccerCooligans with #FunniestMLS and we’ll include the best ones next week.
Alexis Guerreros is a stand-up comedian based in New York City and a co-host of The Cooligans. He also supports New York City FC.