It’s about that time of year. The time where we attempt to save your holiday gift-giving season by giving you the gift of a lazy yet highly effective out for when you’re struggling for some creative spark. Maybe you know this person well, maybe you’re just getting to know this person, maybe it’s your cousin’s horrifying kid Blakelynn and you think that maybe if he gets a Josef Martinez jersey he’ll stop putting glitter in your wallet when you’re not looking.
No matter what your reason for giving the gift of MLS, we’re here to help. And be sure to check out the MLS Store today to get up to 60% off sitewide for Cyber Monday.
You could give a child the gift of their favorite player’s jersey and watch the magic in their eyes as they embrace the chance to think for one second that maybe, just maybe, they can be just like their hero.
Or you could give an adult the gift of the only acceptable sports uniform to wear over the age of 22 — the soccer jersey. While other sports jerseys indicate a person who is apparently convinced they might be asked to step onto the field at any time, the soccer jersey indicates someone who might think they could jump in and help the team, but also just might be into fancy T-shirts. It offers an aesthetic and a style that other jerseys don’t have, which means it also offers plausible deniability. What more could you ask for?
Perhaps you’d like to give the gift of even more plausible deniability with the added bonus of practicality. Anthem jackets, travel zips and training jerseys all offer both those things. They allow the wearer to pretend they’re on a road trip with the team while everyone else just thinks they’re on the way to their gym. They might also actually be on their way to the gym. You can do that with all of these. See. These things are multi-faceted.
Does the person you’re buying for have a weird head? Do you want to cover that weird head so you can stop thinking about how weird their head is? Cover their head. And perhaps entice them to continue covering their weird head by including the logo over their favorite team on a flat-bill, a baseball cap, or a beanie. This is your chance to cover Blakelynn’s weird head. It will make it hurt less when he puts Crisco on the stairs and records you falling for TikTok likes.
There’s also literally every other type of clothing. Maybe you’re trying to convince the person you’re buying for to get into MLS. Maybe they asked for a sweatshirt or pajama pants. Maybe you think that they don’t know how much they like the Houston Dynamo yet so you preemptively get them an entire wardrobe whether the color palette is bright orange or more bright orange. They’ll thank you later.
Speaking of preemptive…
Nothing says 2020 like looking forward to supporting a team that had absolutely nothing to do with 2020. Sure St. Louis City SC won’t play until 2023, but an STLCSC T-shirt is a great way to remind someone that the earth is still planning on being around in 2023. We have merchandise to remind whoever you want that there are still plans to keep existing over the next three years at least! (And I have a small collection of Miami Fusion merchandise you can buy directly from me to give to someone to remind them that time is fleeting. If you’re worthy of it, you’ll figure out how to contact me.)
In ThEsE tRyINg tIMes it’s important to keep rituals alive. You can’t exactly go out and tailgate like you used to, but you can still tailgate at home. Team branded ring toss, cornhole boards, paddleball and badminton are all available. Just think, you could practice cornhole with your official Orlando City boards while holding an official Orlando City koozie until you get so good at cornhole that you can fling a cornhole bag at the head of the next person to say “In these trying times” with expert precision.
That’s right. We’re saying buy this for you. This is about self-care.
Do you know a Soccer Person? Do they patiently explain to you the intricacies of the MLS salary cap even though you’ve literally never asked about the MLS salary cap? Have they ever given a detailed history or Brek Shea’s playing career as the toast at your wedding? Do you think having a scarf around Blakelynn’s shoulders will make him easier to catch after he kicks you in the shin and runs away for TikTok likes?
If any of these answers are yes or potentially yes in the future, then a scarf is a great way to go. Nothing says “I like soccer” more than a scarf. And whoever you give it to will either wear it to every game even if it’s 95 degrees out or hang it up in their house. Either way they get to prove to others that they like soccer. It’s a can’t miss.
Holiday mugs! Ornaments! More ornaments! All perfect gifts to terrify the family of the biggest MLS fan in your life. “I … I thought the season was over??” they’ll ask. And the MLS fan will say “Soccer never really stops if you think about it.” And they’ll hang the ornament up as another reminder that their family will never be able to escape the one thing they talk about 24/7.
Or, you can just get the fan an MLS store gift card and let them sort it out on their own. We’re back to the whole plausible deniability thing here.
For the person that knows that fandom is in the details. Let them show off their love for the Timbers in a subtle way, by sneaking the axe logo onto a watch or phone case. It’s a perfect trap for someone sitting near them in public. “I see you noticing my watch,” they’ll say right before delving into a 30-minute presentation on Darlington Nagbe’s value as a press resistant ball handler.
“Oh, but why would they be talking to someone in public right now?” you say. Well, it’s because they’re not only socially distant, but socially distant AND safe with a team logo mask. And you might say then “Well doesn’t that ruin the whole bit with the watch?” To which we’ll reply, “Seriously, have you seen Darlington Nagbe in midfield? We’d like to begin this 10-part presentation…”
You’ve made it this far.
WE. HAVE. A PICTURE. OF. A DOG. IN. A. GALAXY JERSEY.
You’re welcome. Happy holidays.