NYC stand-up comedian and The Cooligans co-host Alexis Guerreros brings you the 10 things on the North American soccer scene that most entertained him over the last week:
10. “Quick, ‘else I’m getting outta here’"
Of all the spots you probably didn’t expect to see an impatient Bruce Arena during a halftime interview, it was with his team up 3-0 at halftime against Panama last Friday.
And after Real Salt Lake’s “Hand'em Out” Trey Fitzgerald, this time it was the US national team's press officer getting the on-air love from The Bruce.
9. Grime artists at MLS matches
What is grime? Imagine your favorite hip-hop beat on fast forward and your favorite rapper spit bars over it in an English accent.
Skepta, one of the biggest names in grime music, is making inroads into the American scene. How? By popping up on Drake’s Views project and by also taking in a little MLS action.
Why RBNY? He’s good friends with Bradley Wright-Philips. RBNY fans may know how lethal BWP is in front of goal but did you also know that he’s lethal on the mic? DUDES GOT BARS FOR DAYS
Someone let man know man’s sending for him… I’m not sure if I said that right but I’m basically saying we’d like to battle BWP. Do we have bars? Homie, we’re like a Hershey’s gift shop.
8. Pura Party Vida
Pure, unbridled joy. That’s what you’ll see when you watch the video of Vancouver defender Kendall Waston taking his shirt off while on the run. It’s how I would’ve reacted if I found a bed bug on me. I’ve done that and more when I thought there was a bee on me. Why they always gotta follow me?!?! Congrats to the Ticos! The USA will be next… riiight? RIGHT?
"El Mundial! El Mundial! El Mundial!" How Waston's goal sounded on Teletica: pic.twitter.com/9aYOsc6pAw
— Jon Arnold (@ArnoldcommaJon) October 8, 2017
7. Foot searchers
Gotta love how Spanish lingo is slowly infiltrating the North American soccer lexicon. After “golazo" and “olimpico," now we have the translated “foot searchers” courtesy of Univision's Nico Cantor, who coined the term in the 18th minute of Saturday’s NY Red Bulls vs. Vancouver match.
No, he wasn't talking about a creepy dude in the stands taking secret pics of people's feet. You're probably wondering if that exists, but I would caution you against googling that, just in case. Some things can't be unseen.
“Foot searcher is not an official soccer term [yet],” he clarified. “Of course, in Spanish the adjectives put together make sense. You get to the byline and whip it in [cross] and look for feet, anybody to just push it in and past the goal line."
That seems easy enough. While I have the opportunity, I'd like to coin the terms "forehead searcher," "sandwich searcher," possibly even "money searcher."
6. Panama don’t play
Yes, this is a play on words about how they’re probably not going to play in the 2018 World Cup, but it’s also about two of the incidents that happened after their 4-0 loss at the hands of the USMNT.
First, coach Hernan “El Bolillo” Gomez clapped back at the journalist who asked him a question he did not want to answer. I give this a 👏👏👏👏 out of 5 on the Official Clap Back Scale™️, only losing a point for not actually bringing his hands together during the rebuttal. Style points count, people.
@ESPN_JorgeRamos@PolancoESA@GolCaracolpic.twitter.com/JnUByF0dGN
— ⚔️🇵🇦 (@kommander082) October 7, 2017
5. Panama don’t play, Part II
Panamanian captain Felipe Baloy may have let Christian Pulisic get past him over and over, but this question about whether the 4-0 loss to the US was his fault … well, that’s where he draws the line with language saucier than a steak pizzaiola sandwich from DeFonte’s.
The video gets a full 👏👏👏👏👏/5 on the Official Clap Back Scale™️ because, well, just watch how Graham Zusi (who ruined Panama’s chances of qualifying last cycle) pops into the picture and Matrix-level ducks under the convo to get out of the picture:
pic.twitter.com/TzayGkJxbA — ⚔️🇵🇦 (@kommander082) October 7, 2017
4. Christian Pulisic is OD America
Christian Pulisic not only scored against Panama in the 8th minute from an angle that would’ve given me a headache trying to figure out on my TI-86, but he also consistently caused the backline problems all night leading the USMNT to that 4-0 win.
As if that wasn’t enough to start a “should we build a statue?” conversation, as he came out of the game, he took his shirt off and revealed this piece of art on his shoulder. While I cried into a pillow about how beautiful it was, Matt Ufford of SB Nation beat me to a great joke:
3. USMNT player entrance has everything but a bass drop
Orlando City Stadium brought in a little bit of Miami in the player entrance tunnel for the USMNT game against Panama:
🇺🇸takes the pitch for warmups. It's almost time for #USAvPAN. Hype level nearing the 100 emoji. pic.twitter.com/zgZkQbdng6
— Orlando City SC (@OrlandoCitySC) October 6, 2017
Others also noticed that it had a bit of a nightclub feel to it:
I’m thinking this was simply a way to make Borussia Dortmund’s Pulisic feel more at home. What’s more German than crazy nightclub atmosphere when it’s not necessary? Have you ever tried watching a German soccer highlight? You have to watch it on mute or everyone in the office will think you're a dubstep fan. No dubstep fan is getting a promotion.
2. RBNY players call supporters to renew tickets
This is a great tactic for renewing season tickets. Get some superstar players to call the fans. How you gonna say no to a player?
Fan: “No sorry, BWP, I don’t think I can renew”
BWP: spits 🔥 bars about how cheap you are
Luckily these calls generally are very pleasing and fun for both parties. However, if you look at Tyler Adams face in the below picture he doesn’t seem too pleased. Homie looks like me when I go visit home and my mom hands me a phone like “here, the aunt you’ve never met and has a bad connection is on the phone, talk to her.”
1. The Uniteds turn to Twitter fingers
Atlanta and Minnesota have had some great battles on the field this season, but this week they decided to take it to the internet!
ATLUTD posted the below seemingly harmless video of Tito Villalba scoring on Minnesota with the caption “leaving work on a Friday like." But, as someone who’s wife watches the Housewives and therefore I have to as well, I know when shade is being thrown and, honey, I wasn’t the only one.
Minnesota noticed as well and responded in kind with a 👏👏👏👏/5 on the Official Clap Back Scale™️. It would've been a “5" but there was room for a response. The only thing missing was Andy Cohen sitting in between them and a housewife from NJ in the corner flipping a table.
Read the back and forth thread and then facetime with me and Nene so we can spill some tea:
What did you see this week that made you laugh? What did I miss? Hit me with it in the comments or tweet at me @SoccerCooligans with #FunniestMLS and we’ll include the best ones next week.
Alexis Guerreros is a stand-up comedian based in New York City and a co-host of The Cooligans. He also supports New York City FC.
