KANSAS CITY, Kan. – While dads around the country are grilling out in the back yard on Father's Day, Sporting Kansas City's fathers—players and staff—will be getting ready for a home match vs. FC Dallas (5 pm ET; ESPN in the US, MLS LIVE in Canada).
And the night before that, a former Sporting star will be in Kansas City with the USL club he now coaches, leading Oklahoma City Energy FC against KC’s own affiliate, the Swope Park Rangers. He won't get home until Sunday night.
Fatherhood in soccer isn’t easy, say fathers in and and around the SKC family. The game is rewarding in a lot of ways, but it also takes its toll on family life.
With the team playing at home on Father’s Day, MLSsoccer.com talked to four SKC dads: current Sporting players Benny Feilhaber and Brad Davis, retired goalkeeper and current Oklahoma City Energy manager Jimmy Nielsen, and Sporting manager, technical director and former star defender Peter Vermes.
Some have dealt with the twin responsibilities of fatherhood and their duties to the sport for years; others are new to it. All of them said that the balancing act isn't easy, but it's worth it. Here’s how they manage.
Brad Davis, his family, and one very curious penguin. Photo courtesy of Sporting Kansas City
On the impact of fatherhood on one’s career:
“It's just kind of like part of who you are now, the things you do subconsciously. You're not really doing it for yourself any more. It's for the family. It's just part of who I am now.” – Benny Feilhaber, Sporting Kansas City midfielder; pro player since 2005; age 31; father of two
“For me, it was the best thing that could have happened to me for my career, in all honesty. It taught me – anybody who has kids knows this – but it really teaches you what's important in life. All of a sudden, you're not playing a game just for fun any more.
You're playing the game to support a family. It's a job. It's a great job, but it definitely becomes a job. It made me tune in. It made me focus. It made me really start going the extra mile and trying to be the best professional that I can, to be able to support and provide for my family as long as I possibly can.” – Brad Davis, Sporting Kansas City midfielder; pro player since 2002; age 34; father of three
“When I talk to my players about advice in life off the field, I can feel, 'All right, this is the conversation I had with my own kids' – especially my oldest. She's 18 years old now.” – Jimmy Nielsen, former Sporting Kansas City player, current head coach of FC Dallas USL affiliate Oklahoma City Energy FC; age 38; father of two
On bringing the job home:
“One of the things that I've always said is that when you're younger, you come in, you've had a bad training session or a bad game, you can let it ride you down for a while.
When you become a parent and training's over, the game's over, and you've got a little kid running up to you with a giant smile, it's really tough to stay angry for too long. It makes you have to separate your job from being a dad, and it's a good thing. You have to be able to turn it off and turn it on.” — Davis
“What I'm trying to do, and what I don't succeed with, is when I'm home, being home 100 percent – and I don't succeed with that. I know that. When you go to bed in the evening and you evaluate your day, that's the one thing that kills me once in a while. That's painful, that you're not 100 percent there for your kids all the time.
But it's a different job, and my job is not only from 8 to 4. It's night and day. I'm in charge of the team. I've got to stand there and be available for the guys 24 hours of the day. I have convinced a lot of international players to come to America, so I feel kind of responsible for those kids-slash-young men as well.” — Nielsen
“It's hard, because one of the things is – because it is 24/7/365 – you're always on. And if you don't have somebody at home that understands that, it becomes even more stressful.
Then you're in a conflict about having to deal with it, and so now it's putting a lot more pressure on everything else. So having that person who understands your day-to-day world is huge. And that's not easy for someone, but my wife is fantastic at it.” – Peter Vermes, Sporting Kansas City head coach; age 49; father of two
Benny Feilhaber paints with his daughter. Photo courtesy of Sporting Kansas City
On the importance of a solid family support network:
“I've been fortunate that my wife has done an amazing job. Honestly, she's a superhero. We joke around sometimes that she's got four kids, including myself, to take care of. But she does an amazing job of keeping everything locked down and held tight, and that makes me feel more comfortable on the road.” — Davis
“There's ups and downs with everything you do, and one of the downsides of being a professional soccer player and now a coach is traveling, scouting, whatever – you're gone a lot. That's why, pretty early in my relationship, I said to my wife, 'You're staying home, taking care of the home, taking care of the kids.'
I don't want to feel bad for our kids that Mom is working somewhere else, if something bad should happen – and especially, after we came to America, that was an important thing for me, that she stay home and take care of the family. Thank God she loves what she's doing, staying home with the kids. That's been a very, very important thing for us.” — Nielsen
“The biggest thing you have to have is a strong partner at home, and my wife is incredibly strong in that regard. She is very independent and runs the show easily when I'm not around.” — Vermes
On missing family events and children's milestones, and making the most of time together:
“It goes into how much you cherish the time that you're with your family, and that you're going to be able to be with them for those moments. Unfortunately, you're not going to be able to be with them for some of the other moments, so it's just about cherishing the time with them.
With Father's Day coming up, and my daughter's birthday, I think it's going to be a really good weekend to spend – not only with my wife and my kids and our dog, but also my parents, my sister, my grandma's coming in. So it'll be a full house. It'll be a lot of fun.” — Feilhaber
“I just try and focus not necessarily on the time away, but the actual time that we do get to spend together. There's nothing I can do to make up for those missed times, and there's no reason to worry about it and drive yourself crazy. Just make the most of the time that you actually do get together.” — Davis
“It's easier when you're a player, because you work for an hour and a half, two hours a day and you're done. So even though maybe you go away for preseason, there's a lot of other time that you get to spend with your family. Now, don't get me wrong; there's times when you are away, and you miss things because you have a game, and there's nothing you can do around it.
I think on the coaching side, there's more suffering for everybody. There's more – you just miss things because you miss them. I've been actually fortunate the last couple of years, with both my kids graduating – first their undergraduate, then their master's and MBA – that I've been around for those situations. I've been able to attend. Normally, that doesn't happen, but the schedule worked out.” — Vermes
On their plans for Father's Day:
“It'll be awesome – but to be honest, it's not going to be much of a Father's Day, though, because we're celebrating my first girl's, Sophia's, second birthday on the 18th, even though her birthday's a week later on the 26th. So it'll be pretty much her weekend. The grandparents are coming into town to hang out, so I'm sure we'll overlook Father's Day a little bit.” — Feilhaber
“I'll be home, 9 p.m. I've missed close to every one. There's probably been a few where I've been home, but most of them I've missed. Obviously, I remember, they've done stuff for me – but either the day after, or extremely late, I can see they have a little gift for me.
My family's very nice to me when it's my birthday, or when it's Father's Day, to surprise me. Sometimes out of the blue they'll surprise me with stuff. They're doing a fantastic job.” — Nielsen
“I didn't even know Father's Day was this weekend, so that's good to know. It's great that it's Father's Day, because that means it's not Mother's Day and I don't have to go buy something.” — Vermes
Steve Brisendine covers Sporting Kansas City for MLSsoccer.com.
